Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
