If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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