And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
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This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
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I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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