Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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