Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
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I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
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I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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