Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
