Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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