I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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