I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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