I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
