I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
