I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
this is an emotional support booty call
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
