Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
