My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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