I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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