Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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