I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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