how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
