I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
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