Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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