peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars