she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
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I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
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Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.