What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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