No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
