I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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