We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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