It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
