If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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