i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I intend to get homeless drunk
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
