I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
