First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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