if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
