I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
We talked him into tasing himself.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
