woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
