so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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