it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
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I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
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ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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