Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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