made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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