Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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