he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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