cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
