I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
