I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
