So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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