my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Randomize
