Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Shame is for Republicans.
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