woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
