I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
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I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
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Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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