I'm gonna have a badass scar
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
