Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
