Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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