Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
