Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
