She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
