she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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