I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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