WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
