Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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