Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I am one with the molecules
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
